life as a mom

This is a tearful and conflicted post as this right now is my life as a mom. I only have about 3 weeks before I have to go back to work, and although I enjoy the work that I do and am VERY thankful for my job and the opportunities that I have where I work, it will be hard to not be with my wonderful son all day. I am looking forward to getting back to being around adults again, because Rylan's "talking" is great but not very stimulating, and as I said I do enjoy the job I do. BUT and it is a very big but, the hours I work are not consistent and from talking to those not on leave, the hours right now are long, like 10 to 12 hours a day, every day. Rylan just laughed for the first time about a week ago, and I was there, in fact I was the one holding him; we just started to give him solid foods; more on this in a moment, and I got to be there helping feed him and take pictures of him covered in oatmeal. I don't want to miss these moments and if the hours remain that long, the reality is that for the 5 days I work, I'll get two sleepy feedings with Rylan and just thinking about that makes me cry. But I am not a stay at home mom, I suck at house work, and I need to get out, I never wanted to be a stay at home mom and as I said I am thankful that I even have a job when so many others don't, I just want both or at least a balance and my fear right now is that there won't be a balance. Hopefully this fear is unfounded, I got this job after a lot of praying and felt and still feel like I am where I am suppose to be, but even knowing that isn't helping the fear to subside. I know this is not new and I am not feeling anything different than almost every working parent, I guess I just needed to write it down and stop pretending with myself by trying to think that I am not worried and feeling some sense of loss at what I will be missing. I am glad that we have found a day care we love and James will get to spend some quality time with Rylan on his days off. Although that brings up other senses of loss, there will no longer be much time for all of us as a family once I go back either, and that also makes me sad as I love James very much and love watching him with Rylan. I guess that point is I want it all and thus am left at least for now with compromises that make me sad, such is life.


On to happier things, lots has been going on with Rylan, much of which I will post about later once I have our pictures uploaded. We have been on a great vacation with Nana, but Rylan had been acting as though he was famished almost every hour during the day. I tried uping the number of ounces he was eating but he wouldn't finish them. James suggested it might be time to add cereal back into his diet; we had tried it as a fix to the reflux before the zantac. I was convinced that we shouldn't start solids till 4 months old, but after almost a week of this erratic and frantic feeding schedule I agreed with James and off we went to get bowls, rubber coated spoons and of course the oatmeal. He had his first spoonful the evening of 1/27. it was messy, Rylan didn't seem to get that this new thing was also food but we all survived and needed almost a full bath afterwards. Rylan seemed full and slept longer that night than ever before. The same was true for last night and although some feedings go better than others, we started by doing just oatmeal at breakfast and dinner and added in lunch after a few days since he was starting to do his frantic crying in the afternoon, we seem to be getting the hang of this new thing together. And as if right on queue Rylan is up and needs mommy's attention.